Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America. Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! I believe the government should step in where the free market fails. I cant follow the logic on that one at all! Yeup, sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize the government doesn't give a fuck about them. But, when it comes to changing the language, I think they [feminists] make some good points, because we do think in language, and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language. The planet doesn't need that. Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? Birth control pills are still on prescription. We made the whole fucking thing up! Now there is another phrase I dearly love. You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? They call them the. They own all the important land. Some people don't want you to mention certain things. Electricity is really just organized lightning. This is what our system produces, folks. Produced by Will Reid and Michael Simon Johnson. The challenge is to find it. George Carlin, 17. F*ck Hope. It's supposed to imply thoughtfulness or intelligence. The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. George Denis Patrick Carlin was born and raised in Manhattan, New York City, to Mary (Bearey), a secretary, and Patrick John Carlin, an advertising manager for The Sun; they had met while working in marketing. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. His insights on the world of politics were always keen and often quite funny. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." Not me. And a mindless game, too. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Next time you're at a wishing well. No problem. Who the fuck is going to invade the US? I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. You dont see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. He was born May 12, 1937, in New York City into an Irish Catholic family, but he rejected the faith. If I can be of any help to you on your journey I'll do my best. No money to be made off of the homeless. Did you ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into during the day? You still need a note to get laid. ' Avoid teams at all cost. Then you become a baby, and then You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions central heating, room service on tap, and then You finish off as an orgasm. My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. My first rule: I dont believe anything the government tells me. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. George Carlin, 45. Fucking is legal. In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! I often warn people: Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, There is no I in team. What you should tell them is, Maybe not. (101), Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin, 40. You don't have to be a history major or a political scientist to see the bigger-dick foreign policy theory. They want your fuckin' retirement money. Has been for thousands of years! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!". Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it. A brain surgeon with "Born to Lose" tattooed on his hands. It will be coincidental. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they, I have certain rules I live by. I dont like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. Something lofty and poetic: "Nay Family Way"; something earthhy and crude: "Mom Bomb"; something for the youngsters, "Junior Miss"; here's a real man's product, "Inconceivable"! You know how we got it? No contest! [] I'm not interested. They never mention coffee. Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. And he's gotta do it with a big. Am I right? Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Let me get a sip of water hereyou figure this stuff is safe to drink? I call it the American Okie Doke. Religion has convinced people that theres an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. Here's my problem with the Ten Commandments: why are there ten? That's what they told us they were, remember? Just like homeless people. Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that. George Carlin, 24. The mayfly lives only one day. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". George Carlin on God "The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. You ever watch golf on television? The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. And in 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked Carlin second on its list of the 50 Best Stand-Up Comics of All Time, just behind Richard Pryor. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but Im just not close enough to get the job done.. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic. Either you gimme my money backor I'm shittin' in the well! Because you have the illusion of choice! George Carlin, 76. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. Theres only the immediate future and the recent past. George Carlin, 22. By clicking Accept All Cookies, you agree to the storing of cookies on your device to enhance site navigation, analyze site usage, and assist in our marketing efforts. No war on homelessness. Because you have the illusion of choice. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." This is the best we can do. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin, 20. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. Plus he knocked up your daughter. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Dont just teach your children to read Teach them to question everything that they read Teach them to question everything. George Carlin, 86. Bomb them! And of course, the bombs and the rockets and the bullets are all shaped like dicks. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. They never mention that part to us, do they? If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. And the sad part is, is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics, salesmen not true. So, we must be clear about our expectations for government and its role in our lives. These people were given. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. You ever see these guys? Whether you agree with him or not, Carlins views are definitely worth considering. Everybodys going to save something now. No. ""George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country. Government is an important institution. Religion is nothing but mind control. Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. I'm tired of this shit being presented in the context of real news. Carlin dropped out of high school and was stationed in Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, Louisiana in 1954 . Happened like that. Let's go for a drive OK? The government doesnt care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety. We can afford to cut defense; we cant afford to cut education. On the radio. In the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. They're privileges. Everyone says they suck. This country is big-time pig time Change the bald eagle to a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another. George Carlin, 69. You ever watch golf on television? Don't give your money to the church. "Life is sacred"? Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. - George Carlin. Dont you just wanna puke in your soup when one of these fat, balding, overweight, overaged, out of shape, middle aged, male movie stars with sunglasses jumps onstage and starts blowing into a harmonica? By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin, 10. "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. That's all it is. 14. We haven't tried that for a while. It's called "dick fear!" The people are [bleeped out]. One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Everybody's going to save something now. You know, why should it be illegal to sell something thats perfectly legal to give away? Because chickens are decent people. Edited by Liz O. Baylen and Mike Benoist. 41. Here's what happened: I give you my revised list of the Two Commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. The sword of god, the blood of the lamb, 'vengeance is mine'; millions of dead motherfuckers. Everybody says they suck. I'll give ya somethin' to put in your mouth!" You know why? "All of you over here, you seven? I sit there laughing and they go to waste. 'Cause I got to tell you the truth, folks: when it comes to bullshit - big-time, major-league bullshit - you have to stand in awe, in AWE of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. I don't even bring them home anymore. This page was last edited on 1 April 2023, at 02:51. And they seem to understand what I'm talking about. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. Happens to work. Grumpy, too much speed. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Amen and Awomen. To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesnt need guidance from. George Carlin, 61. Maybe a little Styrofoam. And sometimes it rains. The people are fucked! George Carlin, 80. My first rule, I dont believe anything the government tells me And I dont take very seriously the media or the press in this country. George Carlin, 82. A good motto to live by: Always try not to get killed. Heres another question I have: How come when its us, its an abortion, and when its a chicken, its an omelet?
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